It's Okay to Not be Okay - World Mental Health Day

First off, hello! April here!

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I know It’s been a little while since I last did this and man does it feel weird to be typing to ya’ll again! Lately I’ve been feeling lengthy captions on Instagram, rather than full blog posts, but I thought in light of it being World Mental Health Day I would type out a deep one for you! So sit back with your beverage of choice (mines green tea!) and let’s jump into it.

I think in some ways it’s poetic that I’m jumping back on the blogging train on mental health day, as a few years ago I would never have dreamed of weighing in on this topic; or even thinking I had the right to talk about it. However this year for me has been a lot about personal development and a huuuuge part of that was accepting and seeking help with my mental health.

A Brief Truth

Without diving too far into the depths of my past, I’ve basically always had a very complicated relationship with food. Anorexia followed me from high school into my 20s and hit me hard while I was living in Scotland. I didn’t even notice how bad it had become until I discovered I had dropped 3 dress sizes and could play my rib cage like a xylophone. I vowed I wouldn’t deny my body food anymore and in attempt to love my body I started working out…

Turns out obsessive working out is just as bad for you as not eating. My ‘healthy habit’ very quickly turned into a nightmare. I spent hours upon hours at the gym, I would bail on plans to fit my insane gym schedule in and worst of all I was still unhappy with my body.

Acceptance

I think the majority of us like to believe we’re fine even when we’re not. I found myself thinking more often than not..

I don’t want to make a fuss.

I’m just being stupid.

I can handle this alone.

I’m fine.

We’re led to believe from a young age that it’s a weakness to ask for help, that we should be strong, independent beings who can deal with everything alone.. However that only makes for a very lonely and difficult existence.

When I finally reached breaking point, I decided to sign up to counselling. I cried before I did it and I cried even harder after. For the first time in my life I was saying that I couldn’t handle things on my own anymore and that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

But I signed up, I sat on the waiting list and when the day of my first session came I got angry, I got sad and more than anything I got so so scared. I remember sitting on the stairs in my house and sobbing down the phone to Cole, hoping he would tell me that I shouldn’t go.. but of course he gave me the biggest pep-talk, telling me that I could do this and that I wouldn’t regret going.

I must have sat on those stairs for two hours, going back and forth in my mind wether I would go or not..

But I did.

And I first session was hard.

But I went back to the next one..

and the next one..

Until I’d been going for 6 weeks…

To the Girl on The Stairs.

The thing I realised the most was how many people had such similar stories to mine when I opened up to friends about what I was going through. It dawned on me just how many people are suffering in silence and that’s why I’ve written this blog post. It took a lot of support from other people to get me through accepting I needed help and a lot of people don’t have that.

I wish I could go back to that girl on the stairs and tell her how amazing she’ll feel once she opened up about her feelings. How life gets easier when you share you emotions with others and how there is no shame in asking for help or not being okay.

So for all the boys, girls, men, women, humans sitting on their own stairs, the first step is always the hardest but I promise just talking about it gives you the upper hand over your illness and the more we share the less we all feel alone.

You’re incredible, strong and you know what, it’s okay to not be okay. Just know that I’ve got your back and you’re not alone.

Lets talk about it.. Together

Peace and love

April xxx